Fate

Is it possible to meet your fate without even knowing it? What if you walk away, does this mean they were never your fate to begin with? Or does it mean that if they are your fate, it is likely you will meet again?

As I walked toward the exit, I listened as he spoke to a woman he had just run into. He has kind brown eyes and dark hair and I like the coat he is wearing. He speaks softly and mentions he has returned to school, York for that matter and is majoring in English. The woman asks if he is still writing? As I push open the door upon my exit I could not help but turn my head to hear the response to her question. I hear him say to the woman “ Yes of course I am still writing”. Before I am out the door into the wintry cold I feel a shill climb up and down my spine. He is perfect. I look back for once last look and as I do, he looks up from the woman he is speaking with, and for another brief moment his eyes meet mine.

About five minutes prior to this moment, it started off pretty innocently as we both walked toward the same door. I reached for the handle, just as he did and his hand closed over mine. I shyly laughed and pulled mine back. His hand waved forward in a polite gesture for me to go ahead. Flattered, I looked up and smiled as he held the door for me, thanking him as I moved through the entrance. He complied with ‘your welcome’ and a handsome smile that made my heart skip a beat. As we both stood in line, I could feel his gaze passing through me as he stood behind. This sort of thing usually would not phase me, certainly not make me flustered in the least. But this time it did as I quickly ran my fingers through my hair and fixed my clothing nervously. I’m completely unaware of who he is or where he is from. But at this moment I feel like I want to know him. I want to know his name, where he grew up and what his parents do for a living.

I may never know any of this. But I’m fairly certain that fate, held the door for me that night

You could be happy...

With every month that passes

Every week

Every day

Every hour and every second

With each passing moment in time I think of you less

I’m forgetting what we had

Forgetting who we were

Forgetting the hurt

But still find forgiving you impossible

It’s been harder then I could have ever imagined

Trying to forgive someone for something you do not fully comprehend

I think the hardest part about moving forward, are the moments that bring you right back

The ones that break your heart all over again

The trigger can be simple

A scent, a song, or words you once spoke to me

Words are the hardest to forget

Words leave an imprint in your memory

So when you hear them again

It stings for a moment or two

Letting go is difficult but I’m learning it’s the only way

The funny thing is, even after everything, after all the hurt

I wish you well

I truly hope that you are happy

And if being with her makes you that way, so be it

It’s a funny thing, wishing someone happiness after they caused you so much pain

It’s almost freeing in a sense

Like letting go of a piece of yourself you tried so desperately to hold onto

As much as I want for you to hurt, the way that you hurt me

I know it simply isn’t true

You could be happy

And I won’t know

I know what we had

And I know what we lost

I don’t believe that you do, not right now.

One day though, I’m fairly certain that you will

But by then…

It will be too late.

what is left

There are many unanswered questions
But he is not there to provide you with the answers
There is an unbearable amount of sadness
But he is not around to brighten your day
There is disbelief
That he would ever make you feel this way
But he has..
There is such a feeling of helplessness
You do not know what to do
There is anger
Because you simply did not see it coming
There is a whirlwind of confusion
You do not understand how this all happened
There is stupidity
For ever thinking he felt the same way for you, as you did for him.
And then there is this..
The heavy weight
That weighs on your heart when you think of his smile, smiling at you.
The feeling of pure content
Just being close to him
The butterflies
When you would see him
The nervousness
When he would look into your eyes
The electric pulse
When he would reach for your hand
The over whelming sense of knowing
That this one was different from all the rest
And all the feelings you thought you would never feel again
But you did..
This time felt different
Only to have it all taken away
And you suddenly remember the last time you felt this way
And the reason you swore you would never let anyone else in
But you did..

The Challenge

It can be challenging to look through a clear windshield
When the rear view mirror is still dusty.
Looking forward almost always means looking back
The challenge is just this..
How does one move forward without looking back?
I strongly believe that one cannot.
Moving forward in any sort of sense, will usually accompany something that has been said or done before.
It is human nature.
We say what we know.
and we do, what we have done in the past.
It can be far from intentional
But it lies in our subconscious
So really, there is no escaping it.
We reason with ourselves and others our intentions for using past instances
But we actually have no idea why we do it.
I believe nothing is forgotten
and everything is remembered.
Words are fragile
They can break easily.
Actions are severe.
They create impressions in our memories forever.
So we must choose wisely.
We are creating the past with every word we speak.
With every breath we breathe
With every look that is noticed.
With every touch that is felt.
The past can not be altered.
But the moments we choose now can be made to better the past.
So we must choose wisely.
We use actions to cover up words that we are not yet ready to speak.
The choice is not always simple.
But it is there.
We have the power to do and say what we choose
Even for someone new.
Using only small pieces from our past.
There is beauty in that.
And there is hope.
Hope for something new.
Even if the rear view mirror is still a little dusty.
The dust will eventually settle
And it will be clear to move forward.

Lies

Lies are one of the most devastating things we can tell.
Lies can break us
Lies can bound us
But they can ultimately destroy us.
We tell them to our friends
And to our family
We even tell them to ourselves.
They build on each other
One lie after another
But they can all come crashing down at any given moment.
We want to believe them
We encourage others to believe them
But the worst lie you can tell, is the one to yourself.
For this very reason
You know the truth and you know the lie.
But when you want to believe something so badly you convince yourself that the lie is in fact the truth.
We convince ourselves we are happy when we could not be any farther away from happiness.
But the lie will make you believe it.
The lie is powerful.
It can convince you that you love someone when the only person you can not stop thinking about is not even them.
Lies can make you so blissfully happy, content and unaware.
But for how long?
It will not last.
It never does.
Because the worst lie you can tell is the one to yourself.
You are the one who knows the truth.
Lies can make us
Lies can break us
And they can turn you into someone you never thought you could be.
Lies are compulsive
Lies are arrogant
But they can flow so easily out of our mouth
Lies are selfish
Lies are destructive
But they can turn a bad situation into a good one in a moment.
Lies are intricate
Lies are patterns
But they serve a purpose.
Only the reason is usually unknown.

She is My Grandma

I wrote this for my Best Friend whose Grandma just recently passed away.
I wanted to give her something special because sometimes the hardest part is not knowing what to say. But I knew I could tell her, if I wrote it down. She is practically my family and I love her very much <3

A Woman, A Mother, A Wife and a Friend
But to me,
She is my Grandma.
Her words, Her presence, Her laughter and Her touch
All of which are unique to her,
As she is my Grandma.
A Woman of character, strength and courage
Admired by All, especially by me
For she is my Grandma.
A Woman full of life, love and happiness
Most spend their lives trying to attain
But she had it all
She is my Grandma.
A Woman of so much beauty both inside and out
That words just cannot capture
She is my Grandma.
My life and the lives of my family
We are, who we are because of her
She is my Grandma.
She may not be with us any longer,
But her spirit and her zest for life will remain in our fondest memories forever.
And in my heart,
She will always be.

Never Fade Away

It's hard to admit how it ends and begins.
It's hard to recall how we got here
and even harder to remember where we came from.
There is nothing wrong with saying you don't remember.
But there is, with denying it ever happening at all.
It was once such a distant memory.
But now there is nothing I could possibly forget.
Your face and your words
They've made an imprint in my memory.
Making forgetting you impossible.
Everything about you.
We can't go back.
We can never try to change what happened.
It's there in the past
and we're here, in the future.
So we'll go with what we know.
We'll go with what we can remember.
Just to see where that road might take us.
If I had the will..
I would cut you out completely because my better judgement would tell me so.
If I had my way..
I would never let you go because my heart, simply wouldn't allow it.