Summer Air

It’s Thursday night and I’m driving around aimlessly. The hot summer air is still and sticky, but the early morning breeze is cool and it blows the hair from off my shoulders. I throw the car into park and grab a cigarette from my bag. I light it and the still air fills with smoke as I slowly exhale. The thoughts in my head shift directly to you, but I will try and distract myself for yet another moment by turning up the volume and taking another drag of my cigarette. I tap my hand on the steering wheel and hum along to Blake’s got a new face. It’s dark and I focus on the amber of my cigarette. I take another drag and watch the amber crawl up toward the filter. I kick my purple-strapped sandal off my right foot and lift my knee up around the steering wheel, resting my foot on the seat. I take one last drag of my cigarette and toss it out the open window. I watch as it hits the dewy grass and the amber fades slowly. It’s late. I brush the fallen ash from my cigarette off my summer dress. I picked it out the other day. It was black, simple, but I knew you would love it. I sigh and my eyes wander over to the time displayed on the dash. 3:12. A thought runs through my mind. If someone had told me I would be sitting here at 3:12 on this very evening, I would’ve thought them to be crazy. I should be anywhere but here. I reach inside my bag for my lip-gloss. As I lacquer the strawberry gloss across my lips, I think of you kissing me, then pulling away smiling, as you wipe the gloss from your own lips. This image fades quickly, as I toss the gloss back into my bag resting on the passenger seat. I gather my hair in my hands and run my fingers through it, combing out the knots from the wind. I think of you running your hands down the side of my face and kissing my forehead. I remove my foot off the seat and put my sandal back on my foot. I turn the keys in the ignition and the engine runs quietly. I let the car idle. My eyes shift back to the clock. 3:16. I guess time decided to move painfully slow. You are another year older. I shift the car from park into drive and ease the car back onto the road. I gaze out into the darkness and I see it again…just a few short hours ago. I was tiptoeing toward your lit window as I had so cleverly planned to surprise you. But instead I was the one surprised. Confronted with an image I never expected to see and more then likely will never forget. You and her, in your room, together. I feel many things, but for now, just anger. I get up to speed and reach back into my bag. I reach for the volume dial and turn up oxford comma so loud, making it impossible to hear all the other thoughts going through my head. The breeze is blowing through my hair as I sit back and light up another cigarette. You always hated when I smoked. I’ll probably drive all night and smoke this entire pack. Happy Birthday to you babe.

THE LAST

I saw you today

I always knew that I would

I just never knew it would be today

I had prepared myself with clever words I knew would impress you

Should this day ever come

But then I saw you

And I forgot everything

Not only the words

But even how to form the words

I forgot how to speak.

I forgot the way your eyes smiled at me

And how the sound of your voice put me at ease

I had forgotten how your smile gave me butterflies

And how your laughter made my heart warm

Seeing you today made me wonder why you ever left?

I can feel you looking into me

Searching inside of me for the girl you once knew

I don’t know that I am that girl any longer

Was I ever my true self when I was with you?

I think that girl shattered into a million pieces the night you left

As I was watched you drive away I felt everything inside of me break

A feeling I never knew possible

Like standing on the edge of losing yourself and there is nothing to keep you from falling

But as I stand here and I look at the guy I fell so completely in love with

I feel as though I don’t know you anymore

Have you changed for someone else?

Or were you someone else with me?

This saddens me beyond words

Beyond any sort of description

But as I stare up into your perfect blue eyes

My eyes are locked into yours

And it’s as though nothing has changed

Time has not passed

Words were not spoken

Tears were not cried

The last kiss was never the last

And I can still hear your heart beating as my head rests against your chest

I can feel the words forming as I am about to say, what I have waited much too long to say

And then it happens..

Her hand appears on your arm

As she gazes at me from behind you

A smile cast across her face

But not a friendly smile

One that speaks without words

One that says,

I won and you lost

I want to speak

But the words that were almost there are now gone

Gone forever

My throat is closing up and closing in

I glance back up at you

Your eyes are no longer perfect

But they are looking at me, just me.

We smile at each other with our eyes

And I want to grab your hands and kiss your lips

And tell you to come back

But I cannot

As my eyes drift downward toward her swollen belly

I feel a sharp pain in my side

The kind of pain that takes the breath right from you

Without any warning I am faced with this

A sort of realization I was never ready to discover

And then all of a sudden it’s right there in front of me

I want to look away

I should have looked away

Ages ago

But it’s too late now

There is nothing I can do

Not now.

Nothing I can ever say will bring you back

I suddenly realize with every fiber of my being

That you were never mine

And I was never yours

It hits me hard

So unbearably hard

I realize it’s forever

You and her

And you and I

Will never be again.

Ever.

And then I feel it ..

One. Last. Time.

Breaking.

B r o k e n.

Fate

Is it possible to meet your fate without even knowing it? What if you walk away, does this mean they were never your fate to begin with? Or does it mean that if they are your fate, it is likely you will meet again?

As I walked toward the exit, I listened as he spoke to a woman he had just run into. He has kind brown eyes and dark hair and I like the coat he is wearing. He speaks softly and mentions he has returned to school, York for that matter and is majoring in English. The woman asks if he is still writing? As I push open the door upon my exit I could not help but turn my head to hear the response to her question. I hear him say to the woman “ Yes of course I am still writing”. Before I am out the door into the wintry cold I feel a shill climb up and down my spine. He is perfect. I look back for once last look and as I do, he looks up from the woman he is speaking with, and for another brief moment his eyes meet mine.

About five minutes prior to this moment, it started off pretty innocently as we both walked toward the same door. I reached for the handle, just as he did and his hand closed over mine. I shyly laughed and pulled mine back. His hand waved forward in a polite gesture for me to go ahead. Flattered, I looked up and smiled as he held the door for me, thanking him as I moved through the entrance. He complied with ‘your welcome’ and a handsome smile that made my heart skip a beat. As we both stood in line, I could feel his gaze passing through me as he stood behind. This sort of thing usually would not phase me, certainly not make me flustered in the least. But this time it did as I quickly ran my fingers through my hair and fixed my clothing nervously. I’m completely unaware of who he is or where he is from. But at this moment I feel like I want to know him. I want to know his name, where he grew up and what his parents do for a living.

I may never know any of this. But I’m fairly certain that fate, held the door for me that night

You could be happy...

With every month that passes

Every week

Every day

Every hour and every second

With each passing moment in time I think of you less

I’m forgetting what we had

Forgetting who we were

Forgetting the hurt

But still find forgiving you impossible

It’s been harder then I could have ever imagined

Trying to forgive someone for something you do not fully comprehend

I think the hardest part about moving forward, are the moments that bring you right back

The ones that break your heart all over again

The trigger can be simple

A scent, a song, or words you once spoke to me

Words are the hardest to forget

Words leave an imprint in your memory

So when you hear them again

It stings for a moment or two

Letting go is difficult but I’m learning it’s the only way

The funny thing is, even after everything, after all the hurt

I wish you well

I truly hope that you are happy

And if being with her makes you that way, so be it

It’s a funny thing, wishing someone happiness after they caused you so much pain

It’s almost freeing in a sense

Like letting go of a piece of yourself you tried so desperately to hold onto

As much as I want for you to hurt, the way that you hurt me

I know it simply isn’t true

You could be happy

And I won’t know

I know what we had

And I know what we lost

I don’t believe that you do, not right now.

One day though, I’m fairly certain that you will

But by then…

It will be too late.

what is left

There are many unanswered questions
But he is not there to provide you with the answers
There is an unbearable amount of sadness
But he is not around to brighten your day
There is disbelief
That he would ever make you feel this way
But he has..
There is such a feeling of helplessness
You do not know what to do
There is anger
Because you simply did not see it coming
There is a whirlwind of confusion
You do not understand how this all happened
There is stupidity
For ever thinking he felt the same way for you, as you did for him.
And then there is this..
The heavy weight
That weighs on your heart when you think of his smile, smiling at you.
The feeling of pure content
Just being close to him
The butterflies
When you would see him
The nervousness
When he would look into your eyes
The electric pulse
When he would reach for your hand
The over whelming sense of knowing
That this one was different from all the rest
And all the feelings you thought you would never feel again
But you did..
This time felt different
Only to have it all taken away
And you suddenly remember the last time you felt this way
And the reason you swore you would never let anyone else in
But you did..

The Challenge

It can be challenging to look through a clear windshield
When the rear view mirror is still dusty.
Looking forward almost always means looking back
The challenge is just this..
How does one move forward without looking back?
I strongly believe that one cannot.
Moving forward in any sort of sense, will usually accompany something that has been said or done before.
It is human nature.
We say what we know.
and we do, what we have done in the past.
It can be far from intentional
But it lies in our subconscious
So really, there is no escaping it.
We reason with ourselves and others our intentions for using past instances
But we actually have no idea why we do it.
I believe nothing is forgotten
and everything is remembered.
Words are fragile
They can break easily.
Actions are severe.
They create impressions in our memories forever.
So we must choose wisely.
We are creating the past with every word we speak.
With every breath we breathe
With every look that is noticed.
With every touch that is felt.
The past can not be altered.
But the moments we choose now can be made to better the past.
So we must choose wisely.
We use actions to cover up words that we are not yet ready to speak.
The choice is not always simple.
But it is there.
We have the power to do and say what we choose
Even for someone new.
Using only small pieces from our past.
There is beauty in that.
And there is hope.
Hope for something new.
Even if the rear view mirror is still a little dusty.
The dust will eventually settle
And it will be clear to move forward.

Lies

Lies are one of the most devastating things we can tell.
Lies can break us
Lies can bound us
But they can ultimately destroy us.
We tell them to our friends
And to our family
We even tell them to ourselves.
They build on each other
One lie after another
But they can all come crashing down at any given moment.
We want to believe them
We encourage others to believe them
But the worst lie you can tell, is the one to yourself.
For this very reason
You know the truth and you know the lie.
But when you want to believe something so badly you convince yourself that the lie is in fact the truth.
We convince ourselves we are happy when we could not be any farther away from happiness.
But the lie will make you believe it.
The lie is powerful.
It can convince you that you love someone when the only person you can not stop thinking about is not even them.
Lies can make you so blissfully happy, content and unaware.
But for how long?
It will not last.
It never does.
Because the worst lie you can tell is the one to yourself.
You are the one who knows the truth.
Lies can make us
Lies can break us
And they can turn you into someone you never thought you could be.
Lies are compulsive
Lies are arrogant
But they can flow so easily out of our mouth
Lies are selfish
Lies are destructive
But they can turn a bad situation into a good one in a moment.
Lies are intricate
Lies are patterns
But they serve a purpose.
Only the reason is usually unknown.