what is left

There are many unanswered questions
But he is not there to provide you with the answers
There is an unbearable amount of sadness
But he is not around to brighten your day
There is disbelief
That he would ever make you feel this way
But he has..
There is such a feeling of helplessness
You do not know what to do
There is anger
Because you simply did not see it coming
There is a whirlwind of confusion
You do not understand how this all happened
There is stupidity
For ever thinking he felt the same way for you, as you did for him.
And then there is this..
The heavy weight
That weighs on your heart when you think of his smile, smiling at you.
The feeling of pure content
Just being close to him
The butterflies
When you would see him
The nervousness
When he would look into your eyes
The electric pulse
When he would reach for your hand
The over whelming sense of knowing
That this one was different from all the rest
And all the feelings you thought you would never feel again
But you did..
This time felt different
Only to have it all taken away
And you suddenly remember the last time you felt this way
And the reason you swore you would never let anyone else in
But you did..

The Challenge

It can be challenging to look through a clear windshield
When the rear view mirror is still dusty.
Looking forward almost always means looking back
The challenge is just this..
How does one move forward without looking back?
I strongly believe that one cannot.
Moving forward in any sort of sense, will usually accompany something that has been said or done before.
It is human nature.
We say what we know.
and we do, what we have done in the past.
It can be far from intentional
But it lies in our subconscious
So really, there is no escaping it.
We reason with ourselves and others our intentions for using past instances
But we actually have no idea why we do it.
I believe nothing is forgotten
and everything is remembered.
Words are fragile
They can break easily.
Actions are severe.
They create impressions in our memories forever.
So we must choose wisely.
We are creating the past with every word we speak.
With every breath we breathe
With every look that is noticed.
With every touch that is felt.
The past can not be altered.
But the moments we choose now can be made to better the past.
So we must choose wisely.
We use actions to cover up words that we are not yet ready to speak.
The choice is not always simple.
But it is there.
We have the power to do and say what we choose
Even for someone new.
Using only small pieces from our past.
There is beauty in that.
And there is hope.
Hope for something new.
Even if the rear view mirror is still a little dusty.
The dust will eventually settle
And it will be clear to move forward.

Lies

Lies are one of the most devastating things we can tell.
Lies can break us
Lies can bound us
But they can ultimately destroy us.
We tell them to our friends
And to our family
We even tell them to ourselves.
They build on each other
One lie after another
But they can all come crashing down at any given moment.
We want to believe them
We encourage others to believe them
But the worst lie you can tell, is the one to yourself.
For this very reason
You know the truth and you know the lie.
But when you want to believe something so badly you convince yourself that the lie is in fact the truth.
We convince ourselves we are happy when we could not be any farther away from happiness.
But the lie will make you believe it.
The lie is powerful.
It can convince you that you love someone when the only person you can not stop thinking about is not even them.
Lies can make you so blissfully happy, content and unaware.
But for how long?
It will not last.
It never does.
Because the worst lie you can tell is the one to yourself.
You are the one who knows the truth.
Lies can make us
Lies can break us
And they can turn you into someone you never thought you could be.
Lies are compulsive
Lies are arrogant
But they can flow so easily out of our mouth
Lies are selfish
Lies are destructive
But they can turn a bad situation into a good one in a moment.
Lies are intricate
Lies are patterns
But they serve a purpose.
Only the reason is usually unknown.

She is My Grandma

I wrote this for my Best Friend whose Grandma just recently passed away.
I wanted to give her something special because sometimes the hardest part is not knowing what to say. But I knew I could tell her, if I wrote it down. She is practically my family and I love her very much <3

A Woman, A Mother, A Wife and a Friend
But to me,
She is my Grandma.
Her words, Her presence, Her laughter and Her touch
All of which are unique to her,
As she is my Grandma.
A Woman of character, strength and courage
Admired by All, especially by me
For she is my Grandma.
A Woman full of life, love and happiness
Most spend their lives trying to attain
But she had it all
She is my Grandma.
A Woman of so much beauty both inside and out
That words just cannot capture
She is my Grandma.
My life and the lives of my family
We are, who we are because of her
She is my Grandma.
She may not be with us any longer,
But her spirit and her zest for life will remain in our fondest memories forever.
And in my heart,
She will always be.

Never Fade Away

It's hard to admit how it ends and begins.
It's hard to recall how we got here
and even harder to remember where we came from.
There is nothing wrong with saying you don't remember.
But there is, with denying it ever happening at all.
It was once such a distant memory.
But now there is nothing I could possibly forget.
Your face and your words
They've made an imprint in my memory.
Making forgetting you impossible.
Everything about you.
We can't go back.
We can never try to change what happened.
It's there in the past
and we're here, in the future.
So we'll go with what we know.
We'll go with what we can remember.
Just to see where that road might take us.
If I had the will..
I would cut you out completely because my better judgement would tell me so.
If I had my way..
I would never let you go because my heart, simply wouldn't allow it.

Adam

I remember it was grade three. Miss Paris' class. He sat across from me. He was funny and he was cute. I had a little crush on him. He had the most beautiful sandy brown, curly hair I had ever seen. Big loose curls. He used to twirl his pencil in his curls before Miss Paris would ask him to stop and get back to work. He had a big smile. A smile that made you smile if he looked your way. It was big and bright. He was not loud. He was quieter and I liked that. He fascinated me.

It was almost Christmas. The time where you go and visit Santa and tell him all about how you have been a good little boy or girl and what present you wanted him to bring you this year. It was Friday and Adam's Dad took him and another little boy to go see Santa. On Monday, Adam was not sitting across from me. He was not twirling his pencil around in his big loose curls. Adam was not there at all. He was not there the next day or the day after that. Adam had been on his way to visit Santa when his Dad hit a patch of black ice. The car spun out of control and went off the road. Adam died instantly along with his friend. But his Dad survived. When I heard this, I did not know what to think. Did this mean I would never see Adam again?

I held my Mom's hand tightly the day I went to say goodbye to Adam. I remember adults reaching down and hugging me. Through their tears they thanked me for being there and told me how happy Adam would be, knowing I was there. I cried too. I was still trying to comprehend all of this. But I cried because the one thing I did know was that I could not see him smile anymore. My Mom told me that God needed a special angel just like Adam in heaven. That was why he had to go.

I missed Adam. I missed him a lot that year. His seat across from me remained empty and I would look at it everyday. Hoping that maybe, he would come back and twirl his pencil in his big brown curls. Or look at me with his big smile and make me smile too. I have never forgotten my dear friend Adam who left this world way too soon. I have not forgotten him even to this day, almost fourteen years later.